Just a Marriage….

A lady once told me that she felt that the relationship between her and her husband was now “just a marriage.” Where they used to exchange smiles, there were now empty glances. The memories that were once filled with joy and happiness were now replaced with memories of constant selfishness and un-forgiveness. They were roommates now-and there was nothing pleasurable about their brief exchanges.

Do you ever feel like this? I’ve experienced degrees of what I have come to know as, the winter months of marriage and they can be brutal. Yet, it is as inevitable as the seasons. We can wish like heck that summer could stay, but when December rolls around, it’s apparent that the season has changed. So what do we do? We trade in our shorts and tank tops for thermals underneath our jeans and big, warm sweaters and we make the best of things. We make crock pot soups and hot apple cider and breathe in the aromas for comfort. We learn to adapt. And if we’re really wise, we learn that perseverance through the tough times ensures resilience. Still, knowing this doesn’t help the dark distance that roams our souls when we don’t feel closeness with our spouses.

My point in this is that just as the change of the seasons is inevitable, so are the seasons of marriage. And just as we find things to help us through the seasons that we don’t particularly love, we must do the same when we face those less than desirable seasons of marriage.

My husband and I just recently took a trip to Las Vegas where we met multiple couples from Colorado. They were all coming to escape the snow. Apparently the snow came down pretty hard that week and they received several inches of snowfall. After they expressed their disdain for the cold winters, not one of them failed to mention that after the snow, there’s “Nothing but beauty, in Colorado.” Oh how lucky we would be to keep this perspective while enduring the cold seasons of marriage. Cold seasons WILL come, but eventually spring and summer MUST come again. So go in the kitchen, grab your best coffee mug, make some hot chocolate with tons of marshmallows, put your favorite soup in a crock pot, put on your warm fuzzy socks and expectantly wait out the winter as you get ready for the blessings of summer to come.

My Disclaimer

Years ago, during an intense bible study about marriage I came across a scripture that would change my life, alter my perspective, and ultimately give me an understanding about the nature of marriage that I had previously lacked. It was 1 Corinthians 7:28 and out of this scripture my ministry, Trouble in the Flesh, was born. For a thorough understanding I’m going to list a few translations.

New King James reads, “But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.”

The New International version reads, “But if you do marry, you have not sinned. But those who marry will face troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.”

The New Living Translation reads, “But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.”

Lastly, the Good News Translation reads, “But if you do marry, you haven’t committed a sin; and if an unmarried woman marries, she hasn’t committed a sin. But I would rather spare you the everyday troubles that married people will have.

I love that the way the Good News Translation says, “everyday troubles.” That’s just it. Marital issues are typically a sum of the everyday troubles of life in a marriage. My tagline in this blog is a quote I read on a news article about marriage. It said, Life is Messy and Marriage is a part of life. I know that if you’re reading 1 Corinthians 7:28  it doesn’t really seem to offer much hope at the surface level, but when you enter into  marriage, and you start facing the everyday troubles, peace and comfort rush over when you realize that the bible has already revealed to us that marriage is tough in nature. Everett L. Worthington writes about the nature of marriage in his book, Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling. He says, “Hurt is Inevitable.” (Worthington 2005). Marriage is the joining of two completely different people with two completely different ideas about life and two completely different life experiences that they bring with them. Thus, there will be mountains to climb, low valleys, rainy days and plenty of hurt feelings in the “everydayness” of your married life. Somehow, just knowing that marriage is trouble in the flesh, feels reassuring.

My best friend and I used to complain to one another about how much we wish that the women that came before us, those older and wiser, would have felt compelled to mentor us and be honest with us about the hard-pressing of the nature of marriage. Maybe then, we would not have felt completely out of our minds or that we’d made the wrong decision in marriage. Titus 2:4-5 instructs older women to “…teach what is good in order to train the younger women to love their husbands and children to be self-controlled and pure, and to be good housewives who submit to their husbands, so that no one will speak evil of the message that comes from God.” Yes-marriage is trouble in the flesh, but we should seek to let our marriages so shine that no one would be able to speak evil of the message that comes from God. This does not mean pretend that nothing is ever wrong in your marriage. God has already specified that marriage is trouble in the flesh. Rather, what it means to not allow any one to speak evil of the message of God-through your marriage, is to anticipate that there will be trials and tough times along the journey. Nevertheless, persevere through it. Keep your covenant with God and your mate and keep your eyes on God all the while-waiting with EXPECTANT hope… That God will spare you!